3,2,1

TOP THREE FAVOURITES AND WHY

Movies:

3. Robin Hood Men in Tights

For the simple fact that it makes me laugh every single time, no matter how many times I've heard the jokes.

2. Nightmare Before Christmas

Because it has all those qualities I love that Tim Burton puts in all his movies - darkness, humour, songs, magic and a poetic kind of feeling. The characters are so darn loveable even when they're representing the nightmarish kind of creatures we should fear.

1. Spirited Away

It's not to everyone's taste, but I absolutely love love love this movie. I've seen it so many times but every time it's like I've never seen it before. I can't get past the way these japanese movies have themes of magic and spirits running through them in such a relaxed normal way as if it's completely natural for everyone to believe in them. It seems to say "Of course" after every far fetched crazy magical thing that happens and I absolutely love that. It just makes it all the more magical.

Dream Homes (clearly I'm not aiming for realism here)

3. Chateau in Paris

Yes it's a crazy dream but a chateau in Paris is something I am reaching for. One day when (hopefully) I am incredibly rich and lavishly important I'll have a chateau in Paris with one of those long sweeping driveways, extravagant gardens, maybe some horses. I'll have one of those french provincial style homes with a vintage twist. A girl can dream.

2. Swanky city apartment

I don't specifically have a city in mind but I think it would terribly cool to have a stylish apartment in the city. I love the feel of the city and I'd love to spend more time there. But that busy, switched on feeling you have in every city is something I love. And to be close to everything as well.

1. English Cottage

While I don't really want to live in England, I'd be more then happy to plunk one of their english countryside cottages into Australia for myself. One of those lovely houses right on the edge of an english forest, where everything is beautiful and green and there are little streams and mossy rocks and the sunlight filters through the leaves making everything seem magical and wonderful. It's the complete ideal environment in my mind.

Is it too much to ask for a french provincial style chateau on the edge of an english-style forest in the heart of a city? Come to think of it, yes.

Musicals

3. Title of Show

This is a tough one because my favourite musical changes pretty much every week but this one has been consistent for a little while. It is hilarious, to put it simply. Heidi Blickenstaff and Susan Blackwell do their characters so well and the songs that aren't big jokey numbers are really heartfelt and lovely. All round good musical.

2. Wicked

Yes, it's cliched now but I was once a massive Wicked fan and it shall always hold a big piece of my heart. It introduced me to the idea of broadway, and musical celebrities and the ability to listen to an album and piece together the story of the musical in your head to the point where I had pretty much mapped out the whole show. No joke, I would listen to the album whenever I felt blue and it always cheered me up. So while I'm not as hardcore a fan as I used to be, I will never forget Wicked.

1. Jesus Christ Superstar

This was the musical that made me love musicals. I watched the DVD of this with my Dad before I even knew what a musical was (my god, was there such a time?) and fell in love with it straight away. The commitment in the performances on that DVD, especially Judas and Jesus astounded me. And the fact that they only sung just made me want to live in an Andrew Lloyd Webber rock opera. I bought the album and listened to it until, quite literally, the whole CD case fell apart. Subsequently I know the lyrics to every song, and can sing the whole musical through from start to finish as I long ago memorised the order of the songs. Ah Jesus Christ Superstar, I love love love love you.

Celebrity Crushes

3. James Franco

Amazing smile. Enough said.

2. Darren Criss

How can you not fall in love with Darren Criss? I was hooked from the moment he started singing in A Very Potter Musical. Funny, charming, seemingly intelligent, he has it all - plus he does acoustic covers of disney songs. Like I said, how can you not love him?

1. Ricky Ullman

Not many people know good old Ricky, but he won my heart in Phil of the Future all those years ago. Don't quite know where he is now but he was as cute as can be, plus he had all those future gadgets which made him all the more cool.

Books

3. Terry Pratchett Books

Sorry to be general here but I love all of Terry Pratchett's books. He makes me laugh out loud, I just love the chaotic, wry and dry humour he so effortlessly puts in to all his stories.

2. Harry Potter

Where to start? Yes I know many other people share my love of Harry Potter so it's not unique, but I can not begin to describe my young obsession with these stories, nor how they have impacted me. The idea of magic has always inspired me, and when I was young I seriously waited for my Hogwarts letter. I could not have been more invested in the world J.K Rowling created, and while there may be no Hogwarts, I feel (and many others feel the same I would guess) that I grew up there as much as the characters did. I read the books and followed the stories at the same ages as the characters so in a way I grew up with them. Not many books allow their readers to become so much a part of the story like that. No wonder she's incredibly incredibly rich.

1. The Starthorn Tree

Again, a slightly obscure one maybe. Don't boo me for not having Harry Potter as my number 1 fave until you've read this book. It's by Kate Forsyth, who I believe is an Australian writer (she lives here anyway). Her book was my chief inspiration in writing mine (side note, I thought I was ambitious writing my first novel at 15, she wrote hers at 9!). She weaves this amazing fantasy advenutre story with all the bells and whistles but without becoming too corny. She easily creates this whole world and her characters are just so 3 Dimensional and believable, so that the reader relates to them straight away, something that can be tough. Think about it. J.K. Rowling had 7 books in which to unveil her characters and get us to understand and feel for them. Kate Forsyth does it within the first paragraph of introducing each character.

I think that's enough favourite things for now :) If you have any suggestions for any other top 3 favourites you'd like to hear let me know! It's always good to mix up from my usual emotional rants, right? And who doesn't like lists!?

Respect, Diversity

"They light a candle And hope that it glows"

Hi all.

So.

Where to start?

I feel like I have a lot I could fill you in on but to go into detail for everything would take a heck of a lot of blog space and too much of your time. Instead I'm going to say this - A lot of stuff has happened, life has been lived. Feel in the loop now?

I guess not.

I don't really know what I want to say in the post, it's just been a long time since I last checked in and I feel like I've been neglecting you guys a little bit - those of you that still read.

Should I do a quick summary of events? Probably. Here you go then:

YABC shows went brilliantly. Lots of fun, great to be performing and got to spend time with those wonderful people yet again.

Sound of Music is on soon. Rehearsals are going well - Buy tickets!! Type in PLOS productions to google and the ticket sales are on the website.

There's been a death in my family recently which has been hard. The family's coming down, the funeral is soon. I'm singing at the funeral.

My uni plight came off far less well then I'd hoped. It's not defeated me of course but I was upset, and still am a bit. There's still a chance I could be at BAPA next year but there's an even greater chance I won't be so it's time to make other plans.

Sung through the musical again and was incredibly happy with some of the changes we've made. It still has a long way to go but we're on the way and what we've done so far we're quite proud of.

Lately, this week mostly, I've been feeling so out of control with my emotions. Before this week I felt really weak in terms of being able to deal with things. I was getting upset a lot and quite easily, I was constantly judging myself and seeing myself in a bad light. With the things that happened this week I'm more of the same, but I think my emotional capacity is nearing breaking point. I'm just getting incredibly frustrated. I'm finding it hard to deal with.

I keep talking about wanting change. Wanting different things to happen. Wanting to move out, wanting to be at uni and studying, wanting to be given opportunities to grow, wanting to have a boyfriend, wanting to be attractive and mature and unique and ready to take on the world.

I think the problem with wanting so many things is that I hardly know where to start.

And maybe I've stretched myself too thin. Maybe the reason I'm getting so frustrated is because I have my emotions invested in so many things that it's taking it's toll on me.

Maybe I just need a freaking holiday.

Change

I am ready for change.

So don't be afraid to offer it to me.

Because I won't be afraid to take it.

And They're Off

So here come the shows!!! Only a few short days away and then we'll be off on another season of YABC performances. I know I mentioned it in my last blog but I really am incredibly excited for these shows. Last semester I wasn't. They just came around and I didn't look forward to them at all, mostly because I didn't enjoy the semester all that much. But then, BAM, the shows began and suddenly I was having the time of my life.

Time to go again!

With the prospect of new and exciting things with these shows (staying away near the theatre, triples quidditch (don't ask. It sounds crazy but I secretly love the idea) and a 14 night solo I know there is plenty to look forward to. Here's hoping my head cold goes away. I have taken enough vitamin C to sink a ship today, plus drank a lot of water and ate some leafy greens, so if that doesn't work who knows what will.

One thing, however, is troubling me no end. And the reason it's troubling me so much is because I can't stop it. And that thing is my unruly and heightened emotional state.

Yes. I have been incredibly emotional over the past week or two, and I cannot shake it. I have been shedding tears far too often, and while normally a good cry helps you move past things, it seems to be leaving me even more vulnerable to those tearful moments. You'd think I'd have a measure of control over my emotions but in all honesty, who does? Who can say - alright, stop feeling this at once. It is doing you no good and you'd better forget it - to themselves and take their own advice easily? No one! Well at least not many people.

I realise as well that I'm probably going to be even more emotional as I get into the shows. The performances put everyone into a heightened state of emotions anyways (why do you think the after parties are so insane?) so I'm probably going to be some blubbering, pathetic mess every time I'm reminded of those things that are screwing with my head so much.

Regardless, despite the fact that I am 19 and nearly out of my teen years, I can't help but be an angsty emotional and unreasonable teenager for a little while longer.

p.s. This is a picture I drew recently. She's meant to represent doubt.

Who knows what our life may hold, just around the Riverbend...

Hey all,

A lot of stuff has been going on lately. A lot of stuff. Mainly awesome, fun, wonderful, self-growth kind of stuff with a few heartaches and disappointments thrown in for good measure.

I've been rehearsing for Sound of Music which has been fantastic and a lot of fun. Learning the "16 Going On 17" dance has made me super excited about the show and I've just generally been trying to develop my character and be a better actress with each rehearsal.

YABC has been full steam ahead with the shows coming up soon. (HOORAY!) I can't say how much I am looking forward to those two weeks and that amazing feeling the show brings. The joy of performing, the train rides and stories and laughs exchanged, the closeness of the group, and that amazing feeling of confidence that I get when I'm backstage. I really cannot wait.

Schming and I have been working on our musical. Having our first sing/read through was an amazing experience. Hearing people speak your words out loud, adding emotion and intent to them was insane. Boy have we got a talented bunch of friends.

My birthday came and went. I am now 19 (!!!) When the hell did that happen?! I had a great shindig and had a lovely day with family breakfasts and rehearsals to top it all off. Plus some awesome presents such as Fable 3, book vouchers and stunning sexy bathers that I can't wait to wear.

I saw Harry Potter numero 7 last night (:D) which was, I believe, the best movie so far. It didn't miss anything out of the books and while it was a much slower pace then the last movies, it set up the big finale perfectly and had wonderful moments and some tear jerkers. Overall, I LOVED it and can't believe we have to wait till July for the next one!

I have also done 2 out of my 3 auditions. Both were very good experiences, and while I didn't get callbacks I feel I have learnt a lot from them, especially NIDA. WAAPA I was more disappointed with because I was a lot more nervous and a lot more eager to get in. NIDA I approached with an entirely different attitude. I was expecting nothing but experience from it and that is what I got out of it, as well as quite a lot of enjoyment.

SO that's a lot of stuff right? With all these things going on I've been plunged into a lot of a feeling I dislike but that I have to get used to: uncertainty. I'm sure I've mentioned it a couple of times. The thing I like least about it is that it forces you to guess, and guessing never leads to positive feelings, generally. Or if they do you could be severely let down. I think my guessing tends to make me quite delusional.

I've been feeling like I don't quite know where I stand in some instances. YABC, for instance. I can never tell if I'm performing well or not. I feel like I am, but who knows? Similarly, I felt like I performed better then some people at the NIDA audition but I could be completely wrong. It's so hard to tell when you don't get feedback. And this is ow the industry is, and I'll come to terms with that but it's still a strange thing.

But socially as well. I try to make guesses about what other people think. That maybe the person I like shows some interest in me. But these are guesses and are mainly clouded by hope, and in reality I'm not noticed by him at all.

OKAY so I may be sounding a little down, and overly negative. As I said before I'm allowed my sad moments occasionally and I don't let it get me down most of the time. But there are a few things that have been weighing on me for a while and those things grow and soon start to invade other aspects of my life and who I am. I shocked myself the other day. I was preoccupied with my own thoughts and emotional turmoil and I said something in a way that I didn't like at all. It was abrupt and unfeeling and while it didn't do any damage it showed me how being that self-focused can turn you into someone you don't want to be.

Anyways.

Just some of my thoughts. Just me continuing to go through a year of self-growth and change and crazy emotions that I haven't had to experience before. It's all part and parcel of growing up, right?

I'll keep you posted as exciting happy things continue to happen and we can have some smiley cheery posts for a while :)

No Regrets, and No Forgotten Moments

I thought the other night, people forget about life every so often. Well, not forget about LIFE I suppose, that's kind of hard to do. They just forget to live the way they used to.

In your life, you have several moments when you are in complete awe of this whole concept of living. The first is when you're a child. When you wake up early every morning, impatient for the next day to start. When you can spend a whole day learning just by wandering around the backyard and not get bored. When you want to stay up just that little bit later every night to cram more into your exciting adventure of living. As a kid, you don't take it for granted.

Then you go through a different stage where other things take over. Where you want to sleep in all the time. Where you don't want to go out shopping with your parents anymore because it's boring and you'd rather stay home and watch T.V.

Things change, and once again you can't get enough of this life that is open for you. School is over and with adulthood comes a degree of freedom. You're discovering a career, you're discovering love and relationships and testing the boundaries and spending all night out.

Then responsibilites and work and ambitions come into play again, and that's not a bad thing. It's just a different way of living in which a day is a day and there's things to be done.

So then there comes the midlife crisis stage. This is when people stop and think, oh god, I have had this whole time in my life where I let days go by without having something memorable in them. Without learning something. And then, in a desperate bid to experience that free joy of the early 20's people buy expensive cars, go on lengthy holidays, try out new fashion styles, get younger lovers.

It passes, of course. And then it's back to the normal life.

And finally comes a different kind of enthusiasm for life. A reverence. In which you come to understand life and enjoy the rest of yours peacefully, without too many worries, without letting days pass unmemorable.

This is how I see it anyway. These parts of our life are the most important. And I want to live every day as a child, testing the boundaries, going through a midlife crisis and peacefully accepting that time passes. I never want to say "I'm too old for that". I want to still be able to laugh like a child at anything remotely amusing. And I want to give each day something that makes it memorable.

So life, here I come.

To Life

Once again I must apologise for the unforgivable neglect towards you, my blog readers, in the past few months (that is, if I still have any blog readers after very VERY long gaps between blogs).

What can I say?

There has been a lot of stuff to do. There's been songs to sing, Harry Potter to be read, cookies to be bakes, monologues to be learnt, tears to be shed and dance steps to be forgotten. In short, there has been a life, and I have been living it.

So finally here is a blog post - Hooray! About nothing in particular of course. I did have several ideas for blogs, none of which I actually wrote so now I've got a big load of zip in ways of topics. I do have plenty of general life stuff happening, want to hear about it?

I'm going to pretend you said yes and tell you. WELL. There is officially three weeks until my first uni audition (eep!!). WAAPA is the first one, nice and early in the morning, the day after my birthday. A week later is NIDA and then some time around the last week of November is my BAPA one. All very soon.

Scary.

I have been panicking (side note: every time I see the word panicking typed I always accidentally read it as picnicking which is far nicer I think) and stressing and working very hard to try and get those pesky monologues and songs chosen, learnt and up to scratch. I have been INCREDIBLY lucky though and have had helpers around every corner willing to give me lessons and tips. Thank god for a performing family that's all I can say. And for those wonderfully talented family friends - you know who you are! I just want to say thank you to all of you. What a lucky girl I am to have you around :)

Apart from the auditions, other things have been going on. Sound of Music, for one. I am playing Liesl in an amateur production and rehearsals are well underway. The directors are lovely and I'm having a terrific time Doh-Reh-Mi-ing with everyone. It feels wonderful to be in a show again! And the children's cast are absolutely adorable. I've discovered that one of the cutest things in the world is when two very small children (the two Gretl's) have a serious conversation together about the dance moves and their acting. Seriously. Adorabubble!

I spent today trying to enter a writing competition for a writing mentor. Unfortunately, I discovered after doing all the preparation that I am NOT eligible to enter :( Thus, I have a piece of writing talking about my book that has no where to go so I am going to post it here just so it wasn't all for nothing.

Again, sorry for the lack of posts, and I hope someone is still reading this!!

"I started my novel, ‘The Twelve’ in 2006 when I was 14. I didn’t have an idea in mind when I began, I was inspired from reading a book written by a young author and decided I wanted to give this writing thing a try, so I sat down and I tried, and a year later I had finished the first draft of my very first novel.

The story developed and grew with every word I wrote, and I was spurred on by my love of fantasy and a vivid imagination. Over the past 4 years, I have worked on my novel every chance I got, spending much of my school holidays in front of the computer or reading over chapters and making changes. Having never written before, the editing process was a real learning curve for me, and it has taken me 4 drafts to improve and enrich the story that felt like it was writing itself. Now, I am 18 and ‘The Twelve’ is a fantasy adventure aimed at children aged 8 and up. I believe it is also a book that adults can read and enjoy, as long as you enjoy adventures filled with fantasy, puzzles, and magical creatures.
I have already learned so much just by delving into this story, but I know there is much much more to learn about story telling and it’s magic. Through this mentorship program, I would not only be improving my writing, but I would be getting the opportunity to understand more about the world of writing so that when I go to write my next novel, which I have already started planning, I can create a richer, more compelling world that may inspire someone else to pick up a pencil and write"

Returned

Hi there everyone!

Very sorry for my lack of blogging recently but I had very good reason, and that was that I was overseas lapping up the culture and excitement of London and Paris.

Yes, people, I am now a worldly traveller.

I can't possibly sum up the entire trip on this one post but I'll tell you a little about it until I see whoever it is that I see and give the full story to.

Summary of the trip: Basically it was a two week trip with my older sister, starting off in London for 5 nights and then Paris for 6 nights. We met up with two friends already over there in London, and joined another in Paris so we weren't too alone and confuzzled in a different country.

Summary of London: London was terrific and really opened my eyes to how different two countries can be. I suppose when I thought about different English-speaking countries such as London before, I kind of imagined everything to be very similar to Australia, just in a different part of the world and with sexier accents, but so many things were different. The whole atmosphere is different. The people (no offence Londoners) weren't as friendly especially the shop keepers who all seemed bored out of their mind. A friendly foreign coffee shop barista told me he thinks English people don't know how to work and have fun, whereas Australians find the fun in everything. Go us.

The driving is also crazy in central London. I felt as if our hotel shuttle was about to flatten some people in the streets. This is because the pedestrians seem to not care AT ALL about traffic. They have this nonchalant kind of way of standing in the middle of the street that clearly says, "Hey, I KNOW you won't run me over, you're going to stop, because if you don't you'll have a big fat lawsuit headed your way" and most of these pedestrians were wearing the business suits to prove they're not bluffing. That's another strange thing about London - we saw many baby-faced boys in business suits, boys who looked like they should still be in year 9, not wearing sharp cut suits and stylish skinny ties.

It is also beautifully green in London. So many parks and trees and it's all a different kind of green. We have a browny yellow tinge to all our green in Australia, their's is like a fairytale forest, lovely and lush and makes you want to unpack a picnic and do nothing for a while.

We resisted the temptation to laze about though - five nights is not much! We packed it full of shopping at H&M, markets, three West End Shows, tourist attractions and museums (I discovered my deep and lasting hatred of modern art. I saw far to many Homage's to the Square for my liking).

Summary of Paris: Boy was I excited to be heading here. This time I was expecting big changes, after all they speak a different language, that's a massive change.

We realised several things about Paris. One, it's difficult to tell whether they want you to speak French or not. I was all geared up to whip out some of my remembered French grammar but at the first restaurant the guy ignored my French automatically, seeming annoyed by it, and commenced to speak in English. Other places flat down refused to speak English at all. Most people seemed to think I was French, maybe because I said bonjour with enough R roll to make them happy, but still the inconsistency threw me.

Next thing I noticed: I thought English driving was bad.... French driving is truly awful. Our shuttle driver from Disneyland told us that all French people are bad drivers, but it maintains a nice balance because they cancel each other out. If one of them was a good driver, chaos would ensue. We were also told that car insurance doesn't cover the round about around the Arc du Triomphe because there is an accident there, on average, every half an hour. Wowza.

Paris is a beautiful city, it really is. Yes, it is a bit dirty, and yes, there are a lot of beggars and gypsies (we got warned on a tour about all the cons people pull, and some of our fellow tourists got dragged into a choice few). And yes, we were staying in an area of Montemartre that was quite close to the red light district, but the very central Paris, all along the Seine, was stunning. And the artsy area of Montemartre was as well.

Again, we kept busy in Paris. We did two walking tours, the Eiffel Tour, Versailles, went to many French restaurants (all that oddly had the exact same menu...) and pigged out on at least two ice creams a day. Overall, a very good result I think!

So that's my brief summary of my trip. There were a couple of hitches on the way, (travel sickness and stomach flu, bleh!) but everything was splendiferous and an amazing experience. I am incredibly incredibly grateful to have gone!!

Cheer

Hey there folks,

So with feeling generally down lately I've decided it's time to perk myself up with some positive cheerfullness on this blog. I am going to achieve this by listed all of the things that give me that happy warm and fuzzy feeling:

• Being outside in the rain
  Yes, it's a health risk as they say, but I quite simply love the rain. And for me, getting caught in the rain adds something good to the day.
  


• Looking back at my novel
  At the moment my novel is a bit neglected as I am just waiting to hear back from people about it. But the other day I flicked through it and felt that lovely nostalgic pride. The characters feel like familiar friends to me, and flicking through and reading bits remind me of when I wrote it and what inspired me. It reminds me of looking at an old favourite photo.
  


• The start of Spring
  There's a certain feeling about the start of Spring that always makes me feel happy. It's the reminded or September holidays of the past, of music playing in the house with the sun streaming in and the promise of some change.
  


• Reading Harry Potter
  What can I say? It's my comfort book.
  


• Cuddles
  In my opinion, there is nothing nicer than someone showing you how much you mean to them by giving you a wonderful hug. And vice versa. I'm always up for a cuddle.
  


• Rare perfect moments
  Very occasionally, I get this feeling of a perfect moment. I don't know if any of you get the same thing. It can be in a completely ordinary situation but it's this surreal sort of feeling that everything is right with your world. It's very calming and encouraging and is certainly a warm fuzzy moment.

There we go. That's as cheering as a basketful of Kittens. Mission accomplished!

For Sweet Liberty I Pray

I'm starting this blog with no real topic in mind. I just felt like blabbing for a little while about whatever pops into my head. So what first?

Random Thought Numero Uno

I have been released from the repressing shackles of a YABC reliant life - in other words, I am finally doing some performing that's not to do with CPCA. As much as I love YABC, I absolutely had to do something different. Let's be honest here, we all know that it's in it's own little bubble. You don't get any true representation of where you stand - one minute you could be getting better solo's, the next nothing. You generally don't get told how you personally are improving despite the fact that it is an improvement based company. Thus, basing your entire idea of your impending career on such a place is very VERY unwise.
So I got into the PLOS production of Sound of Music playing the role of Leisl which will be wonderful. I'm very excited and thrilled and cannot wait for the first rehearsal!
And I must say after finding out, at YABC on friday night, for once, I didn't overly judge myself.

Random Thought Number Two

I have realised lately that human beings really have very little control over their emotions. Yes, we like to believe that we can remain composed in tough situations, that we can logically look at our own problems and react accordingly, that we can turn off senseless feelings. But it's not true.
In some ways we are slaves to our emotions. We live our lives striving to be happy, fearing disappointment and sorrow. And that's fine, that's the point of life, isn't it? To find happiness?
The slave to your emotions thing is most frustrating when you know that your emotions are stupid. When you can say to yourself "There is no point feeling that way, so stop it" but you still can't. Feelings can't just be switched off immediately, however much we may want them to be. So we still emotionally invest in lost causes (or at least I do) knowing full well that it'll only end in disappointment.

Random Thought Number Three

Actually I'm drawing a blank here.
Wait, no. Here's something - the best things in life happen quickly, so grab them while you can.

Down in the Dumps

Boy have I been down in the dumps lately. I just haven't been able to shake some negativity over a couple things and it's really weighing down on me.

What makes it ridiculous is I have a lot of things to be happy about right now so I'm on this emotional roller coaster, one minute being quite happy and content with how things are trundling along and the next minute wallowing in some self despair.

I apologize for not blogging in a while. Things have been . . . I was about to say busy but then I realised that would be a lie. You know when you have this false business where you feel like you're going all day but then you look back and think - What did I actually DO today? That's how I've been. Pottering about, doing bits and pieces or filling time until a class I have or an audition or an outing or something like that. And playing Sims of course. I've become newly addicted.

What's news? Oh yes, I got a callback for Sound of Music tomorrow (fingers crossed!) I would very much desperately intensely obsessively love to do a musical right now. I need something other than YABC to base my judgement of my impending career on.

I went to BAPA open day on the weekend and started to think maybe WAAPA isn't the be all and end all. BAPA has some great pro's to it right now - ease of accommodation (as I already know people who I could live with); cheapness of accommodation; closeness to family and friends. All in all, it seems to have equal standard of teachers and such, the quality of performance was fantastic, the facilities looked great. So yeah. I'm reevaluating a little bit.

Europe is fast approaching. Under two weeks now (!!!) and everything is officially booked paid for and organised. The only thing left to do is go! And go I shall. I'm sure a lovely walk around Paris will cheer me up considerably :D

At Seventeen

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say, "come dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen

A brown eyed girl in hand-me-downs
Whose name I never could pronounce said
Pity, please, the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve
The rich-relationed home-town queen
Marries into what she needs
With a guarantee of company and haven for the elderly

Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality
And dubious integrity
Their small town eyes will gape at you in
Dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me

We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, "come dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me, at seventeen

"At Seventeen" - Janis Ian

I think...

So I'm at that time again in which I have to play the waiting game. Some of you may remember my previous post about it (if you would like to read it, here you go!). In this post I was waiting the arrival of my Solo email for YABC. While I have recieved my email already for this semester, I'm still playing the game of endless patience while I wait for an email about an audition I just did for a show I REALLY want to get into.

So yes, I realised the irony of the repetition in my life and it got me thinking - and then I thought

HOLD IT.

Emily, why must you always stop and think about these things?




Paradoxically that got me thinking about over-thinking. A tendency that I have and suffer from.

I think about things too much, and I bet you any money that many other people think this as well. I'm constantly looking into things too deeply, trying to gouge out some further important meaning from trivial things.



An analogy I can think of is a story our Tap teacher was telling us about in YABC the other week. He said he was teaching the 'Cool' dance sequence from West Side Story to a bunch of Uni students. While teaching it, these intellectuals were asking things like 'What does this move symbolise?' and 'How does a triple pirouette here refer to the ever-declining respect and tolerance of today's social and ethnic minorities?'

My Tap teacher could only think 'It's a dance. You dance it.'

Essentially, I'm trying to say that I try to ask these questions about things that really I shouldn't bother because that's not their point.



I find that I overthink things the most in a few situations. For example:

• Boys. This is a give in. Girls are always trying to decode what a boy could possibly be meaning when he says this, or what this smile or that laugh can tell you about their feelings. In all honesty, most of my artful interpretations are nonsense and I bet I'm wrong about everything so really, I should learnt to stop over-thinking it.


• Auditions. For some reason, after an audition, my brain kind of fogs out the details and to compensate for this, I fabricate to fill in the blanks. This is a bad thing. I suddenly see the hmmms or the bland reactions as satanic portents of doom and a failed career.


• Days of Nothing. This refers to the days in which I laze about, play Sims, watch a movie and do pretty much nothing worth while. A day like this bites back at me once I'm trying to go to sleep. My brain, painfully ianctive for a full 12 hours, takes it's revenge by buzzing non-stop with thoughts about everything under the sun. This is when the majority of my over-thinking/analysing takes place, because the first two dot-points like to invade and have their say as well as everything else.

Yes. Overthinking, one of life's major pests.

News, News, News

Hello all!!

Now I was aiming to leave it a couple of days before

I posted again but I was so full of exciting news that I was about to burst and needed to get it all out of my system tout suite!

News piece #1:

I'M GOING TO PARIS AND LONDON NEXT MONTH! Yes I mysteriously mentioned it in a previous blog but did not elaborate just so I could increase suspense, did it work?

So yes indeedy, Emily is heading out to

Europe in under a month for 11 jam packed days of to

uristic wonder and french sophistication. It's all paid

for now, everything is organised now we just have to wait!

I'm going with my older sis, otherwise known as xena and we will be meeting up with several fellow blogging friends and some not so blogging, inc

luding rubix, and chatterbox, and wrong will meet up with us in Paris for some Disneyland adventure (!!! Disneyland !!!)

Another exciting thing is that we're staying on West End!! EEP!

It's been decided that we'll try to find attractive English (straight o

f course) musical theatre stars.

News piece #2

I bought an incredibly awesome wonderful professional proper-clicky sounding camera today. It takes beautiful photos but I have to learn how to use

it properly first. I did experiment a little bit today - here are some of the photos!

I love my new camera.

News piece #3

I'm writing a musical with Shming!

Yes, what started as a hilarious dramatic non-naturalistic piece about the Bermuda Triangle has actually been developed into a half decent synopsis, the first 4 songs and the first 6 scenes. Okay so we scrapped every bit about the Bermuda Triangle (sorry to those fans who loved this idea - and there were many I'm sure! It has potential!) and focused it around 5 year 12 students instead. It is incredibly exciting and it's moving really fast. Shming's musical talent never ceases to amaze me and I cannot wait to start workshopping it some more once the draft is done and get some people singing it!

News piece #4

While this isn't nearly as life changing as any of the other news pieces, it is an important part of my day. I took a gamble on a scratchy and... wait for it... I won! 5 smackaroos!

With glee I bounded up the the newsagents counter and demanded my winnings. And you know what the guy said?

"Do you want to buy another scratchy?"

Now we know how gambling problems start.

"No, I will quit while I'm ahead, take my five dollars and buy a packet of musk sticks and a push pop thank you very much."

It wasn't until later that I realised I really only won $1 as the scratchy cost $4 in the first place.

Damn the misleading world of passive gambling.

Want #10

So we're finally here. The end of my blog a day want challenge (please forgive me for missing yesterday. The internet was broken - it wasn't my fault!)

Once this is over I can get back to more infrequent posts (for those of you that are irritated by daily updates. *cough cough* Other half.) that talk about daily things. i can fill you in on my news and all that jazz.

Mais, premierement, here is my want #10.

WANT #10

To keep wanting...

I never want to stop wanting things. My wants are my driving force in life. They compell me to write life-to-do-lists, start crazy projects like writing a musical, commit myself to writing a book - if I didn't have wants I wouldn't audition for shows, get roles, learn new dances, develop skills.

Basically, if I didn't have wants I would just sit, at home, staring catatonic out the window and never do anything worth while.

(musical reference in that paragraph, anyone pick it up??)

My wants are so much a driving and vital part of my life that sometimes I think they could be the most important thing about me. About anyone in fact. We've established that wants make you try new things, get yourself out there - but they also create who we are as people. They form our personality to the point that without wants there would be little substance to who we are. When I meet new people, I love to find out about who they are by asking what they want to do, what their aspirations are. That is one of the most interesting and insightful things I can here about to get to know someone. Without those aspirations, no one would really bother getting to know each other because what is there to get to know?

So my big finale for this Want themed marathon is just this: to never stop wanting. To never stop reaching higher for new things, wanting better things for myself or wanting a change. To never stop having an opinion or wanting to make that opinion made. To never deny my tastes but to always want to show and share who I am through the things I aspire to.

I hope you out there reading this want the same thing.

Want #9

WANT #9

To know what I need

I'm nearing the end of my 10 want challenge, and this want is a rather important one. All people need to know what they need, so that they can fulfill these needs. I mean, if we couldn't understand or communicate what we need we'd be babies again.
To be a functioning adult (and I like to believe that I'm nearing the 'functioning' status) we need to be able to recognise what it is that we need. So many needs in that sentance.
SO we have to be able to say "I need food" "I need warmth" and all those other rudimentary physical requirement. But it's more than that. We also have to be able to say "I need to be stronger" "I need to accept help" "I need to learn to cook so I can feed myself and not collapse in a pile of adolescent incompetance"
So as much as wants are a base part of life, needs are what get us through so that we can survive long enough to develop wants.

So there you go. I want to know what I need so that I can need to want.

Want #8

Want #8

To have skills galore

I really want to have a lot of strings to my fiddle, as they say. I want it to be like in the sims (yes, I am a Sims addict) how you open up their skill panel and they have like 5 maxed skills and then all the little certificates to show how skilled they are. I would like that, although in real life form.
Everytime I see someone show great skill in something (mostly in something creative) I want to be able to do it as well. I don't care how random the skill is, I just want to be able to do it. I've gone through phases when I was younger when I wanted to be an awesome Irish dancer, then there was the time I wanted to be able to yodel. So maybe one day I'll actually learn these skills and be a pro Irish dancer yodelling portrait painting kazoo player. Sigh. A girl can dream can't she?

Want #7

WANT #7

To know what I want

In all honesty, I could not figure out what this post was going to be about. Superficially I have heaps of wants. I could say 'I want a new camera with video and awesome quality' or 'I want to go to another party soon' or even *gasp* 'I want a boyfriend'. But it kind of seems a bit pointless to talk about those things. You wouldn't be very interested in me listing new camera options and I wouldn't be very interested in writing it.

All those superficial wants put aside then, it's actually more challenging then expected to come up with deeper ones. To think of what I really want. Love? Laughter? Success? Yes, and more. But they're give ins.

So this is what todays blog post is about. I want to know what it is that I want. Wouldn't it be cool if you could just pick up a magnifying glass, aim it at your mind and there it is all spelt out for you in black and white. Emily wants this this and this with this time frame in mind, aaaaand... go! Achieve achieve achieve.

Unfortunately it's impossible so I'm resorting to option B: blog about it until I eventually figure it out.

p.s. Thanks to loversinmotion for their lovely comment :) Look everyone, I have a legitimate reader!

WANT # 6

WANT # 6

To be acknowledged.

This one is a tough one because I really should know by now that being acknowledged generally does not happen often in writing or performing. That's the tortured life of an artistic soul, right? The deep and meaningful reason behind art is the eternal struggle for the all impossible acknowledgement. I think that's a great dramatic tagline for artists. It has just the right balance of self-deprecating depression and empty justification. Wow.

So even though every performer/writer/artist/dancer/tight-rope walking mime knows this, we seem to be the people who need acknowledgement the most. How ironic. Performers rely on their confidence and self-worth, and yet they will always want to know what other people think.

Who came up with this equation?!

So yes. As much as I know it's ridiculous, I want acknowledgement if I can get it. I want to know that I'm heading towards the right career, I want to know if I have a chance. In a perfect world, I would want for the amount of recognition I get to equal the amount of effort I put into something but that's not going to happen. Nevertheless, I want it.

I wonder, does a lack of acknowledgement take away the meaning in something? If a person performs the most amazing song ever heard in the world, with the most beautiful voice, and no one is there to hear it, does this make it less amazing? Just lately I've being thinking about this blog as an example. I don't know who reads this (if anyone) because I don't get told by web-hits or comments and the like, and that's fine. But still, I find it an incredibly depressing thought to think that I write these posts and there's a chance they will go unread. Maybe no one will read it. It sort of makes it feel a bit pathetic really.

So do you agree? A lack of acknowledgement can sometimes really damage the worth of something. On the flipside, too much acknowledgement can do the same.
Happy medium, I think!




ANYWAYS!

Moving on from the wants for a minute. I have news.

I am going to Europe.

!!!!

You read correctly!! In a month's time I shall be in Europe, in another country, on another continent, surrounded by people speaking another language.
Exciting, no??
More on this in a later post! For now, goodnight blogging world!

Want #5

WANT #5

To have magical powers.

This one is pretty self explanatory. All I can say is that it would be pretty damn awesome.

WANT #4

Before I start with my wants I'll just direct you to the sidebar right here: -------->

There's two new blog links to some friends blogs. "The Life that is a Rollercoaster" and "Whatta Nerd" Have a look!

Now, moving on.

WANT #4

I want to inspire the imagination

I want to inspire other people to create in the same way that I was inspired. I want everyone to have an imagination that could rival any kid. I hate how we lose that part of ourselves as we grow up. I want to hold onto it, and I have to hold onto it as a writer, and as a performer because without a wild imagination I wouldn't be able to do either of those skills.

I want to inspire other people to want to inspire other people. I want everyone to keep a part of their childish self. I want everyone to be able to have fun spinning over monkey bars without thinking that they're 'too old for it'. I want to come up with crazy ideas and write them down into crazy stories and I want people to wonder, 'How on earth did she come up with that?' I want everyone to be able to see shapes in the clouds and faces in a splotch on the road.

That's what I want. For everyone to take pride in their imagination.

Want #3

WANT # 3

I want to be brave

I wish I was braver sometimes. Well, not brave exactly, more that I wish I had more faith in myself. Now that sounds like I'm hating on myself... it's not like that! Here's what I mean: I have self-confidence in many aspects of my life, where I lack is in how I think people percieve me. Maybe I don't give myself enough credit. I wish I was brave enough to go up to certain people I want to talk to, and just talk to them without thinking that by doing that I'll seem weird or annoying. I wish I could trust that I have an effect on other people. So this probably doesn't make sense without me spelling it out but I'm not really about to do that because there has top be some measure of privacy in a blog. Basically what I am trying to say is my perception of myself is unstable - it changes constantly and a lot of the time I doubt what there is in me for people to like.

Some girls have that natural sort of confidence that suggests 'of course you want to be talking to me' not in an egotistical way though. Just that self-assuredness. And I suppose that's what makes them attractive, that confidence.

I wish I had that confidence. I want to be more brave.

Want #2

WANT # 2

I want Adventure.

I really do. I want to explore somewhere new, I want to travel and start new projects and perform in new exciting things. I want something amazingly incredibly exciting to happen, and I want to be challanged by it and I want to learn and develop from it and come out of it as a better person, having seen the world that little bit more.

So that's more than one want, granted, but they're sub-wants under the main adventure tagline.

Most people want some sort of adventure. At least I hope they do. Who doesn't like being adventurous once in a while?

When I was little, I used to have a best friend called Cybelle, and we were just a tad over-obsessed with Harry Potter, but we would make up these amazing adventures (as kids do) in which there was plenty of magic, and there's was always a bad guy and we always won, of course. As kids we live through adventures like that all the time, and that's what's so exciting about childhood. Even though it's only our imagination, it's compeltely real to us. We get a little bit disillusioned as we grow older, don't you think? It takes a lot more to thrill us. An adventure isn't the same as it used to be.

I want a childhood adventure again.

Don't care how, I want it now

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately from people I know that have been talking about wants. What they want out of life, and for other people and for themselves.

Sometimes I think wants come across as being very selfish, but I don't think this is right. Yes, our needs are more important, but wants are like the mental focus where needs are the physical. They're not selfish because they're paramount to life. Really, if we didn't want things (and didn't verbalise those wants) nothing would ever be done. There would be no big inventions because no one would want to make change, there would be no relationships because no one would want to make the effort. You see what I'm getting at?

Wants are an instinctive and important part of human nature so there is no point denying the fact that we all want things, some reasonable, some ridiculous.

For the next ten days I'm going to post a want a day. Just ten major/minor/random wants that I have for this year. I'm not sure what they are yet so we'll so how impossible some of these wants are as we stumble along.

So:

WANT #1

I want to be in a Stephen Sondheim musical.

I've recently watched a filmed copy of the original cast of Into the Woods. It renewed my love for all things Sondheim. I can't see a greater honour than to be in one of his musicals.

The thing that draws me to them is the lyrics, and that's what he's famous for. He started in a time when the music was more important than the lyrics, but he ignored that. It wasn't about the lyrics fitting into the music, it was about the music working around the lyrics. All those wordy lines with rhythmic rhyming and then lack thereof - I just love it. The conversation like songs, fast paced and where every single word is there for a reason, not just to fill in a note or flesh out a phrase, but to actually say something.

So, that's want numero uno. I want to be in a Stephen Sondheim musical.

Stuck in a Rut

Although my last post was quite cheerful overall, I haven't been in the best of moods. So here comes a little bit of a rant, be prepared.

I feel really stuck in a rut lately. Like I'm not really moving anywhere. This year has been like that, understandably because it's been a bit of a limbo year. A transition year. All I've been doing, essentially, is waiting until the auditions.
But considering the effort I'm trying to put into making some big changes with myself, I'm not feeling any of it. My dance technique hasn't improved that much, and I wasted the first half of my year a little bit with not so great classes. My singing is the same, no improvements on belting here. I haven't done anything for my acting. Writing is neglected while I wait to hear from people. Socially I'm quite content but romantically I wouldn't mind some changes.

There's the bulk of my pessimistic rant for you.

I was talking to screws the other day during an epic texting session, and we concluded that this year is a big fat pain because all we want to do is go roaring into our career headfirst, do the things we really want to do, but we're stuck waiting, working in fish and ice cream shops, earning money, doing degrees and trying to improve skills. We want to have freedom to be adults but we want the security of home. We're kind of torn between a ridiculous need for new things and a fear of what those new things will bring. Like I said before, we're in limbo.

As I rant about this I try to think, what can I do to change these things? And really there isn't much. I can make plans as much as I'd like but essentially there is nothing I can do until something bigger shifts. Until I get into a school, or don't get into a school. Until I meet someone new, or hear back about my book.

So I'm really complaining about the inevitable here when I should be accepting it, but hey. The past few days have made me feel the impatience more so than normal due to my body hating me and throwing me a cough, a strained leg and a sore neck thus preventing me from doing basically anything.

Wow I really am whinging today aren't I?
Please forgive this anxious 18 year old.

Another thing I realise is I think I talk about myself to much. Just look at how many I's are in that sentance. I like to share what I'm doing, but enough is enough really. So here's a challenge, I'm going to try to go a day without talking about myself AT ALL. Maybe that'll make it difficult to have a conversation though?
Ok we'll try it as a social experiement. After tomorrow, I will see if it is possible to remain socially comfortable and not talk about yourself at all.

Cool. Done. Sorted. Rant over.

Thanks for listening :)

You've got to S-M-I-L-E

Lately my life has been filled with a lot of hilarity. And by my life I mean the life I vicariously live through intensely funny youtube shows. A Very Potter Musical (and Sequel), Maria Bamford, Demetri Martin and my recent discovery of Rock of Ages Productions are just a few of the things that get me my daily hysterical laugh.
I seriously don't know how I'd survive without laughing once in a while. I mean, I think I have a pretty good sense of humour. I appreciate comedy, I love a good laugh. In my mind I can't possibly understand how some people can not have a sense of humour. It's true. Some people don't.
This also makes me think about how completely inconcievable it is to me that some people's lives don't revolve around music. That people can ask, "What kind of music do you listen to?" and someone may reply, "Oh, you know, I don't really listen to music."
...
!!!
What is this?
Is this real? How can people possibly live their lives without music? It just doesn't make sense, especially to someone who sings constantly and walks around the house with iPhone in hand playing song after song.
So music, sense of humour, creativity - these are the sorts of things that I could NOT live my life without, and therefore, to me, no-one can live their lives without them. So there, beat that syllogistic argument.
But the reality is that people live extremely different lives to me, and as unfathomable as that is, my life is equally unfathomable to them. I'm that weirdo that never stops singing. No one can like music that much, they probably think.
Thank god I am pretty much only surrounded by musical junkies. And creative, generally funny people, who enjoy random sing-a-longs in the car and appreciate the fine, sophisticated taste of cookie dough.
Thank god for you guys.