Change

I am ready for change.

So don't be afraid to offer it to me.

Because I won't be afraid to take it.

And They're Off

So here come the shows!!! Only a few short days away and then we'll be off on another season of YABC performances. I know I mentioned it in my last blog but I really am incredibly excited for these shows. Last semester I wasn't. They just came around and I didn't look forward to them at all, mostly because I didn't enjoy the semester all that much. But then, BAM, the shows began and suddenly I was having the time of my life.

Time to go again!

With the prospect of new and exciting things with these shows (staying away near the theatre, triples quidditch (don't ask. It sounds crazy but I secretly love the idea) and a 14 night solo I know there is plenty to look forward to. Here's hoping my head cold goes away. I have taken enough vitamin C to sink a ship today, plus drank a lot of water and ate some leafy greens, so if that doesn't work who knows what will.

One thing, however, is troubling me no end. And the reason it's troubling me so much is because I can't stop it. And that thing is my unruly and heightened emotional state.

Yes. I have been incredibly emotional over the past week or two, and I cannot shake it. I have been shedding tears far too often, and while normally a good cry helps you move past things, it seems to be leaving me even more vulnerable to those tearful moments. You'd think I'd have a measure of control over my emotions but in all honesty, who does? Who can say - alright, stop feeling this at once. It is doing you no good and you'd better forget it - to themselves and take their own advice easily? No one! Well at least not many people.

I realise as well that I'm probably going to be even more emotional as I get into the shows. The performances put everyone into a heightened state of emotions anyways (why do you think the after parties are so insane?) so I'm probably going to be some blubbering, pathetic mess every time I'm reminded of those things that are screwing with my head so much.

Regardless, despite the fact that I am 19 and nearly out of my teen years, I can't help but be an angsty emotional and unreasonable teenager for a little while longer.

p.s. This is a picture I drew recently. She's meant to represent doubt.

Who knows what our life may hold, just around the Riverbend...

Hey all,

A lot of stuff has been going on lately. A lot of stuff. Mainly awesome, fun, wonderful, self-growth kind of stuff with a few heartaches and disappointments thrown in for good measure.

I've been rehearsing for Sound of Music which has been fantastic and a lot of fun. Learning the "16 Going On 17" dance has made me super excited about the show and I've just generally been trying to develop my character and be a better actress with each rehearsal.

YABC has been full steam ahead with the shows coming up soon. (HOORAY!) I can't say how much I am looking forward to those two weeks and that amazing feeling the show brings. The joy of performing, the train rides and stories and laughs exchanged, the closeness of the group, and that amazing feeling of confidence that I get when I'm backstage. I really cannot wait.

Schming and I have been working on our musical. Having our first sing/read through was an amazing experience. Hearing people speak your words out loud, adding emotion and intent to them was insane. Boy have we got a talented bunch of friends.

My birthday came and went. I am now 19 (!!!) When the hell did that happen?! I had a great shindig and had a lovely day with family breakfasts and rehearsals to top it all off. Plus some awesome presents such as Fable 3, book vouchers and stunning sexy bathers that I can't wait to wear.

I saw Harry Potter numero 7 last night (:D) which was, I believe, the best movie so far. It didn't miss anything out of the books and while it was a much slower pace then the last movies, it set up the big finale perfectly and had wonderful moments and some tear jerkers. Overall, I LOVED it and can't believe we have to wait till July for the next one!

I have also done 2 out of my 3 auditions. Both were very good experiences, and while I didn't get callbacks I feel I have learnt a lot from them, especially NIDA. WAAPA I was more disappointed with because I was a lot more nervous and a lot more eager to get in. NIDA I approached with an entirely different attitude. I was expecting nothing but experience from it and that is what I got out of it, as well as quite a lot of enjoyment.

SO that's a lot of stuff right? With all these things going on I've been plunged into a lot of a feeling I dislike but that I have to get used to: uncertainty. I'm sure I've mentioned it a couple of times. The thing I like least about it is that it forces you to guess, and guessing never leads to positive feelings, generally. Or if they do you could be severely let down. I think my guessing tends to make me quite delusional.

I've been feeling like I don't quite know where I stand in some instances. YABC, for instance. I can never tell if I'm performing well or not. I feel like I am, but who knows? Similarly, I felt like I performed better then some people at the NIDA audition but I could be completely wrong. It's so hard to tell when you don't get feedback. And this is ow the industry is, and I'll come to terms with that but it's still a strange thing.

But socially as well. I try to make guesses about what other people think. That maybe the person I like shows some interest in me. But these are guesses and are mainly clouded by hope, and in reality I'm not noticed by him at all.

OKAY so I may be sounding a little down, and overly negative. As I said before I'm allowed my sad moments occasionally and I don't let it get me down most of the time. But there are a few things that have been weighing on me for a while and those things grow and soon start to invade other aspects of my life and who I am. I shocked myself the other day. I was preoccupied with my own thoughts and emotional turmoil and I said something in a way that I didn't like at all. It was abrupt and unfeeling and while it didn't do any damage it showed me how being that self-focused can turn you into someone you don't want to be.

Anyways.

Just some of my thoughts. Just me continuing to go through a year of self-growth and change and crazy emotions that I haven't had to experience before. It's all part and parcel of growing up, right?

I'll keep you posted as exciting happy things continue to happen and we can have some smiley cheery posts for a while :)

No Regrets, and No Forgotten Moments

I thought the other night, people forget about life every so often. Well, not forget about LIFE I suppose, that's kind of hard to do. They just forget to live the way they used to.

In your life, you have several moments when you are in complete awe of this whole concept of living. The first is when you're a child. When you wake up early every morning, impatient for the next day to start. When you can spend a whole day learning just by wandering around the backyard and not get bored. When you want to stay up just that little bit later every night to cram more into your exciting adventure of living. As a kid, you don't take it for granted.

Then you go through a different stage where other things take over. Where you want to sleep in all the time. Where you don't want to go out shopping with your parents anymore because it's boring and you'd rather stay home and watch T.V.

Things change, and once again you can't get enough of this life that is open for you. School is over and with adulthood comes a degree of freedom. You're discovering a career, you're discovering love and relationships and testing the boundaries and spending all night out.

Then responsibilites and work and ambitions come into play again, and that's not a bad thing. It's just a different way of living in which a day is a day and there's things to be done.

So then there comes the midlife crisis stage. This is when people stop and think, oh god, I have had this whole time in my life where I let days go by without having something memorable in them. Without learning something. And then, in a desperate bid to experience that free joy of the early 20's people buy expensive cars, go on lengthy holidays, try out new fashion styles, get younger lovers.

It passes, of course. And then it's back to the normal life.

And finally comes a different kind of enthusiasm for life. A reverence. In which you come to understand life and enjoy the rest of yours peacefully, without too many worries, without letting days pass unmemorable.

This is how I see it anyway. These parts of our life are the most important. And I want to live every day as a child, testing the boundaries, going through a midlife crisis and peacefully accepting that time passes. I never want to say "I'm too old for that". I want to still be able to laugh like a child at anything remotely amusing. And I want to give each day something that makes it memorable.

So life, here I come.