I Confess it I'm Shy

Hey there bloggers and friends,

I've been thinking a lot recently about something that truly boggles me. It boggles me now more than ever because I seem to be struggling with it myself, and I very much wish I wasn't. This thing I'm talking about is shyness.

Now here's the thing I don't get. I'm an outgoing person, I believe. I don't have much trouble talking to new people, I've never had too much trouble making friends (a bi-product of changing schools every two years probably) and yet as much as I say to people how outgoing I am, I'm lying. Well not lying exactly, because I am outgoing - to certain people. This is what boggles me. I seem to be both shy and outgoing at the same time.

Around the people that I am friends with, and their friends I am at ease - completely and utterly. I can be myself, I don't feel like I have to worry about what I say or do, I can make jokes and laugh and enjoy myself.

Around certain other people, this self-confidence is completely whisked away. I hate it but I change, I seem like the quiet meek one probably. I get far more nervous and worried that I'll embarrass myself and because of this I generally do.

WHY?

That's the question. How can I possibly be so outgoing and so damn shy?

Here's my theory. I think, personally, it's to do with social status (here we go getting nice and psychoanalytical). Around the people who I feel are on the same social status level as myself, there's no problem. Around the people who I judge as being higher than myself, there is a problem.

And what annoys me most is why I judge myself to be below these people. Why, for some reason, I think I'm a lot less 'cool' or popular or something along those lines. Isn't it ridiculous? I'm out of high school now, I shouldn't be torturing myself with perceived social standings. That's done, but for some reason I can't shake it off. In my mind, I am low on the social ladder, quite low, and all those people that make me shy are the ones I feel I have to reach up towards.

What unboggles me a little bit is that other people feel the same. Other people also feel like they're both shy and outgoing. So here's an idea, let's stop trying to force ourselves to be one thing when clearly it's impossible. No matter how outgoing you appear to be, you are always going to feel shy in one situation or another. Something will confront you, whether it's a public speech, or being around a boy you like, or speaking to someone who you find really important - and let me tell you I've been shy in all these situations, most of them recently. Is it embarrassing for a performer, who loves the stage, to admit she gets more nervous reading a speech than singing a solo in front of an audience?

Possibly.

More strange than embarrassing though. There we go, it's settled, I'm strange and that's why I dwell over these questions. Though I'm sure I'm not the only strange one out there.

Have fun dwelling fellow strange people.