Doing my new musical theatre course, we are expected to do a certain amount of failing in order to learn and develop. We also need to get out of our comfort zone constantly and push ourselves to the limit. As much as I've wanted to do this, I have had trouble with my voice and have had to rest as much as possible, so I haven't been able to really put myself out there. I am now on the mend and have my first fortnightly 'Mock Audition' - this week is for Drowsy Chaperone. I'm singing a song I am fairly comfortable with, it is a genre I am fairly comfortable with. What I am not entirely comfortable with is the idea of varying my normal audition performance (stand, sing, emote and that's it). I am not used to putting on more of a show for an audition and this is what I am going to do. The past few day though, I have caught myself thinking, "Oh, forget about that. Just sing how you usually sing."
Normally, I think I would listen to myself. But I've been so constantly reminded to put myself out there and make risks and fail that I heard this thought kind of objectively and said, "No! Emily, take the risk. if you fall on your ass, so be it."
There you go. Devil and Angel. One telling me to be safe and stay in my comfort zone, the other telling me to go for it.
In a way it is natural to want to stay safe. It's part of human nature isn't it? Life preservation. Defense. But the strange thing about performing is that you have to break down those walls of basic animalism. Why do people get nervous or afraid if they have to perform? Because basic instinct is telling them not to. It's saying 'This is different and scary and maybe you should sit in the corner and wait until everyone forgets about you."
On our first day at Showfit we had to do an exercise that involved doing something totally against human instinctual nature - run across a room with our eyes closed. Our bodies were saying "STOP FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!!" and a lot of people did stop. But the point was we meet that same brick wall when performing. The exercise told us that we have to take out our trusty sledgehammer and knock down that wall.
So while my fear, insecurities and basic human nature is telling me to stay safe, and not put myself in a situation where I could look stupid or fail, I am learning to ignore that... to an extent. I'm not actually going to go running down the street with my eyes closed exclaiming 'Look at my utter commitment and focus everybody!'
That's not artistically relevant, it's just sheer stupidity.
But I AM going to go for it, and take risks and let myself fall over because you can't learn to get back up unless you get on the ground first.
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